Issues
Dollars Fly Away on the Wings of…Butterflies
This week’s Golden Fleece Award, presented with two dozen butterfly kisses, goes to our pals at the United States Department of Agriculture for awarding $500,000 of your dollars to the 900 Thlopthlocco Tribal Members in Okemah, Oklahoma to farm butterflies.
George Scott, the Mekka Thlopthlocco Town King (we’re not kidding), sees it as a way to diversify his tribe’s economy.
Long time butterfly farmer Jane Breckinridge reports that raising these winged wonders, currently a $64 million industry and growing, profits from a shortage of the little critters.
Our question is “Why does a growing, $64 million industry enjoying a shortage of supply of its product, need $500,000 of your earnings to promote itself?”
Your Tax Dollars at Work – But Not for You
This week’s Golden Fleece award goes to the U.S. Dept. of Agriculture (USDA) which, according to the Office of Inspector General (OIG), smoked $5 billion in stimulus money (i.e. your tax dollars) on programs that were “inherently not shovel ready.”
The biggest culprit was the Single Family Housing Loans and Grant Program, designed to get low income folks into homes. OIG says that 22% of these loans “may have noncompliance issues related to ineligible borrowers and properties”.
Could Uncle Sam Have Developed an Ebola Vaccine for $39,643,352?
This week’s Golden Fleece Award, surrounded by a garland of dunce caps, goes to the National Institutes of Health (NIH).
Instead of using $39,643,352 to improve Americans’ health (Ebola vaccine, anyone?), NIH burned your tax money for such idiocy as:
- $2,873,440 to figure out why lesbians are obese (could it be that they eat too much?)
- $466,642 on why fat girls can’t get dates (because they’re not attractive to thin boys?)
- $674,590 sending texts to drunks at bars to get them to stop drinking (makes us want to have a drink).
We could go on, but you get the idea. In a future issue we’ll tell you about NIH’s Origami condoms.
You Gotta Be Drunk To Do This
This week’s Golden Fleece Award goes to our pals at the National Institutes of Health (NIH), who awarded the Oregon Health & Science University $3,200,000 of your taxes to get monkeys stone drunk to study what demon rum does to body tissue.
We can answer that question for free: Excessive drinking is bad for your body, whether you’re a monkey, human, or just a simpleton who works at NIH. Don’t do it.
Now – Excuse us while we go have a drink and try to forget this idiocy.
The Erosion of Public Trust Continues
This week’s Golden Fleece Award is presented to three public universities – University of Vermont, College of New Jersey, and UCLA for offering, respectively, courses in Sociology of Freakishness, Sex Work, and EcoFeminism.
In Vermont (tuition & fees for your little darling – $18,922) kids can learn how sexual and bodily freaks shaped American popular culture. In New Jersey (tuition & fees – $25,637) he or she will study “erotic labor,” with topics including sex tourism and strip clubs. Or send your little one to UCLA to absorb the connection between domination of women and domination of the environment – all for just $35,740 plus room and board.
Ever wonder why recent college grads have an 8.8% unemployment rate? Why 284,000 of them are working at or below minimum wage? See above.
Golden Fleece Award – Issue 74
This week’s Golden Fleece Award travels south to the Los Angeles Department of Water and Power (DWP).
This brilliant government agency dropped $162 million on an electronic billing system that overcharged more than 60,000 rate payers and left them with a bunch of bank overdraft fees.
DWP complains about not having enough money to replace 90 – 100 year old pipes, one of which burst and flooded UCLA’s $137 million basketball arena.
We wonder how many pipes DWP could replace if it didn’t pay its average worker $101,237 per year – 50% more than other city employees?
We Hope They’re Better at Spying on Drug Lords – Golden Fleece Award – Issue 73
This week’s Golden Fleece Award, presented with a platinum bong, goes to our own Drug Enforcement Agency (DEA).
These geniuses recruited an Amtrak secretary and paid her $854,000 of your money to secretly collect confidential information on passengers and pass it to the DEA.
The problem? These James Bond wannabees, as part of a joint drug enforcement task force, could have gotten the data for free.
But why get it for free when you can buy it with $854,000 of other people’s money?
Portland: City of the “Big Flush” – Issue 72
This issue’s Golden Fleece Award, surrounded by a Platinum Toilet Seat, goes to the City of Portland, which finally figured out that manufacturing and selling $90,000 solar-powered toilets for the homeless was outside its “core mission.”
Unfortunately, a judge ruled that, on their way to turning the City of Roses into The Water Closet on the Willamette, the City Fathers had misspent $618,000.
We’re pleased that these wizards have finally relieved themselves of this lousy idea.
Let’s Play a Game!- Golden Fleece Award – Issue 71
This week’s Golden Fleece goes to the wizards at the National Science Foundation, which gave Columbia University $5.7 million contributed by you to create (drum roll please)… climate change games!
Al Gore and like minded Kool-Aid drinking gamers are going to love hearing a woman in her death throes screaming that she’s “Out of CO2 credits.”
And hold the mashed potatoes! Because one poor guy can’t afford to come to Mom’s Thanksgiving dinner because a family member spent all his money on “hurricane simulation booths.” Huh?
So grab the kids for a special Family Fun Night where they can learn that “If the tsunami doesn’t get us, the heat might!” And all for only $5.7 million!
Maybe We Should Try it Here First? – Golden Fleece Award – Issue 70
This week’s Golden Fleece Award goes to the U.S. Agency for International Development, which plans to spend $3.35 million of your taxes to “improve the quality of media content and strengthen the media’s capacity to meet professional standards”…in Armenia! We personally think the money would be better spent improving the quality and professional standards of certain media a bit closer to home.