Issues
It Only Costs $8,333,333.33 to Train a Solder? Such a Deal!
For our 100th issue we present a Platinum Golden Fleece Award, complete with gold and silver brocade, to our very own Dept. of Defense (DOD).
According to Army General Lloyd Austin, head of U.S. Central Command, our DOD spent $500,000,000 – dollars that you earned – to train 50-60 Syrian soldiers, only 9 of whom are still in the field.
That pencils out to a cool $8,333,333.33 per soldier trained. Our question: For that kind of money couldn’t we have just bought the whole darn Syrian army and paid them to fight for us?
We love and respect our military. But hey, guys, this boondoggle really isn’t up to your high standards.
How the Feds Reduced Car Crashes by Restoring a Lighthouse Nobody Uses
We present this week’s Golden Fleece Award to the “public servants” at the U.S. Dept. of Transportation.
You, we and other American taxpayers gave these bozos money to fund the Moving Ahead for Progress in the 21st Century fund (“MAP-21”). Its purpose: to “reduce crashes, injuries and fatalities involving large trucks and buses.” Saving lives is good. Right?
But saving lighthouses is even better. That’s why they filched $160,000 from MAP-21 to restore the Cape Henry, VA lighthouse. The catch: this relic was abandoned in 1879 and later replaced!
Ever wonder why the D.C. crowd acts like it’s all their personal money to spend any way they want?
Does This Drive You Absolutely Bananas?
We proudly present this week’s Golden Fleece Award to the National Science Foundation, which torched a cool $171,361of your dollars creating video games for…monkeys.
These brainiacs concocted three video games that let primates pick among gambling strategies. They discovered (drum roll, please)…monkeys behave like humans! Just like the crazy brother in law who borrows your money to hit Three Rivers Casino, when monkeys get on a hot streak, they think they’ll stay on a hot streak! And they keep betting!
But here’re some things they never figured out:
- Why it’s stupid to design video games for monkeys
- Why it’s immoral to waste other people’s money designing video games for monkeys
- Why people who design video games for monkeys are probably dumber than the monkeys themselves.
If this doesn’t drive you bananas – nothing will.
Mein fraulein! May I haff zis dance? Ya?
This week’s Golden Fleece Award, presented, with an ill-fitting pair of leiderhosen, goes to our pals at the National Endowment for Humanities, who tossed $180,000 of your bucks to Moravian College (PA) to speed 25 K-12 teachers on their way to Germany and points beyond for a four week workshop on “Johann Sebastian Bach: Music of the Baroque and Enlightenment.”
Der vas lectures in der mornink und dancink in der evenink – because dancing is “essential to understanding much of Bach’s music.”
According to one lucky participant, “We finally found a bar that was great – big screen…and beer.”
Oh, and did we mention that they got to watch the World Cup Final on your nickel? Gott in Himmel!
Watch Out, Genghis, NASA’s Comin’ For You
When Genghis Khan died in 1227 his pals made sure nobody would find his grave. First they killed every last Mongol who had worked on the grave. Then they killed the guys who went to the grave to kill those guys. Then they killed the guys who killed the guys who killed the guys who dug the grave.
But now NASA’s tossing a $15,000 prize to any “online cloud of explorers” who can use satellite imagery to find ol’ Genghis’ resting place.
It’s only $15,000 of your bucks they’re wasting. But we figure the sheer stupidity of the contest is worth at least a Silver, if not Golden, Fleece Award.
Why We Award Tenure to Professors
This week’s Golden Fleece Award, presented in a kitty litter box, goes to Emeritus Professor of Psychology Charles Snowden and his learned crew at the University of Wisconsin, who infinitely advanced man’s knowledge of the universe by writing songs for (drum roll, please)… pussycats.
We have no idea what this cost but we bet taxpayers ultimately paid for it.
Snowden explained that “…it’s vital to get the pitch right” and that they based “music” on the tempo of purring and the sucking sound of nursing.
That sucking sound you hear is the sound of money being sucked out of your bank account to pay for idiocy like this.
Do You Do Voodoo?
This week’s Golden Fleece award goes to our buddies at the National Science Foundation, who, for just $331,000 of your bucks, set out to find out if hungry guys and gals stick more needles into voodoo dolls of their spouses than full hubbies and wives.
Guess what? They do. 107 couples were divided in half (only our government could divide 107 by two and come up with an even number). Half were served food and half weren’t. Then spouses were separated.
Their world-shaking discovery? Hungry spouses are angry spouses. They stuck up to 51 needles into voodoo dolls representing their husbands or wives. Brilliant, huh?
Toenails on That Pizza, Sir?
Today’s coveted Golden Fleece Award, drenched in blood, goes to the The National Endowment for the Arts (NEA), which awarded $10,000 to the Oregon Children’s Theatre to produce “Zombie in Love,” a musical featuring teen zombie Mortimer, who’s “dying to find true love.”
He’s your everyday zombie teen who craves toenails on his pizza, gobbles brains for lunch, and uses his intestines for a belt.
When these kids wake up at night screaming their lungs out, their parents can thank the NEA.
How to Not Go to School and Get an Education Tax Credit
This week’s Golden Fleece Award, presented not with a diploma but a dunce cap, goes to the Mother of all money burners – the IRS.
What a nice idea: Go to school and get a tax credit. But why bother going to school when IRS dunces will give you the credit whether or not you take a class? In 2011 the IRS issued $5.6 billion of your dollars to 3.6 million taxpayers, most of whom never submitted tuition statements from their schools.
According to a Treasury inspector general, “The IRS still does not have effective processes to identify erroneous claims for education credits.”
Earth to IRS: In the real world we set up “effective processes” before we start handing out money.
FEMA Fumbles Again
Our crack Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) figured it hadn’t wasted enough of your money yet, so they went bigtime and blew a whopping $247 million bucks.
How, you ask, can even doltish government employees do that? First they tear themselves away from surfing the net or filing their nails on work time, then they build a high tech system to improve their efficiency (stop laughing) in delivering supplies and coordinating a multi-agency response to natural disasters.
Unfortunately, the system was so shot through with errors (think Swiss cheese) that it couldn’t coordinate with anybody to do anything.
We say the real natural disaster is…you guessed it, FEMA!